Fear Can Rob You Of An Amazing Life
Updated: Mar 30, 2020
Originally published on SivanaSpirit.com
It took me twenty years to become a yoga teacher! 20 years! What was I thinking? Well, mainly that I wouldn’t be good enough. It was this same fear that caused me to sabotage the only healthy relationship of my life, talk my way around my eventual career in which I was actually excelling and drive myself into deep anxiety riddled depression. Let’s back up. I was never treated badly or had a rough childhood. On the contrary, my parents were hardworking and loving. They supported me even when I made really bad choices, which happened throughout my entire love life, save the RIGHT relationship that I let slip away. But even with their love and support, I developed a fear of not being good enough at most anything life threw at me. Most people would never know it but I was gripped by fear leading to depression my entire life. Fear has had such a major impact on my life that I actually began to think that was all there was. Fear and depression go hand and hand but no one ever told me any of this. No one ever told me that fear was ok. The worst part about fear is that it comes back time and time again. For some, that is ok. For me, it was a total regression.
Let’s take my yoga teaching as an example. Yes, it did take me 20 years to finally become a teacher but I did it! Yippee!! However, then life took massive changes through the loss of a job. I had been happily teaching my few classes and boom the ax fell. Now what? I decided that I would finally merge my two careers into one becoming a Wellness Coach and full-time teacher.
Can you guess what crept up like a dark shadow at nighttime? Yep, FEAR. I couldn’t do this! I was raised to have a full-time job with benefits and vacation plans. What if I couldn’t make enough money to pay my mortgage and provide for my daughter. I had no additional income and started FREAKING OUT. All my great ideas and plans were for nothing because fear took a huge hold of the whole situation.
Fear told me that I couldn’t. Fear told me that I would fail and to look at everyone around me that was so successful. Fear showed me that influencers on Instagram and Facebook had already mastered this area so, there was no more room for one more person. Damn Instagram! So, I fell out of practice and watched others pass me by in life and dreams. I saw others doing what I knew that I could do. I was in the exact same cycle of when I was to scared to become a yoga teacher. It made me physically sick and I used this as yet another excuse to avoid my practice and life ambitions. I had sunk to a new low as I gained weight, became out of shape and descended into deeper states of depression.
So, where does that leave me now you ask? Writing to you so that you understand that you are not alone. There is a lot of talk about depression in the news these days. Thank goodness!! However, no one is linking the fear side of the equation. It can leave people standing frozen on the edge of a cliff and that is a terrible way to live.
I’m still on the cliff’s edge but starting to ease backwards, sit down and just meditate. Writing this article is my first step. And like every morning, I promise that I will unroll my mat or take a class. Let’s hope tomorrow is that day.
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